Feelings

20 November 2013

Dear readers, i apologize for neglecting my blog. My life is a bit messy right now, after breakup. Life gets tough these days, been busy for the whole month. I was trying to keep myself busy for the past few weeks, don't really have time to stay at home and write a blog posts. The moment when i see my blog's traffic decrease, i'm gets really upset and depressed.. i feel like giving up on my blog, but i can't.. It's part of my journey, no matter how hard my life gets.. life goes on..blogging is part of my career, i can't give up.. & i keep reminding myself..i have dream and goal to achieve (with or without him).. That's why i'm here again..*blogging*

I'm struggling with my life and been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I don't know am i suppose to blog about my feeling (sounds stupid cause normally i will just motivate people), but seriously i don't know where else i can express my feeling anymore. Please allow me to be emotional tonight. 

1251 days. It's the longest relationship i ever had, never expect our love will be end. 

 The happiness and excitement of a new relationship can overpower everything else. BUT, Nothing stays new forever, though. I wonder :  "Will things get better?" "Should I give it another chance?" "should i just ignore all these problem" "I'm lazy to find a new guy and start a relationship all over again" "Maybe i should learn to accept imperfection" "Will I regret if we broke up?" Well, Breaking up isn't an easy decision. My life is so out-of-balance, facing everything myself is not easy. Maybe i'm not used to it, sooner or later i will be fine. *lol* Lesson learned, don't rely on anyone too much.. or else you will fall down even harder. I'm still feeling insecure sometimes..but...I'm die trying to get back up..trying to be independent......and face my LIFE.

现在的我内心充满了恐惧....

曾经，我以为他是世界上最了解我的人，可是到后来我发现原来不是。

我只能说，这段感情里，我问心无愧，该付出的我都付出了。我不是一个容易放弃的人。对我而言..情人不好，不一定是要“换”才能解决问题。但是耐心也有磨损的一天。我只是想给你知道..如果我是真的因为嫌弃他才离开他的话，我早在你背叛我，动手打我的时候离开他了。要是我是贪慕虚荣的话，根本不会跟他在一起那么久。对我来说，最宝贵的东西是时间，而我该给的都给他了。结束这段感情...我的心比任一个人都疼，我不是一个冷血的人。我也有伤心难过的时候，但是伤心难过后还是要面对生活。

这双手，这段感情我坚持了1251天。如果我说我不伤心，没有不舍得是骗人的。

曾经, 身边的朋友都劝我离开他，全部人都不看好我们的时候，我坚持的挨过了这段痛苦的日子。几乎每天要靠酒精才能入睡。然而，正当一切东西正在慢慢改变的时候，我选择了放弃。其实我也不知道怎么解释，不知道哪里出了问题，可能是我们之间有太多问题，每次都在逃避没有真正解决过，又可能我坚持太久了，可能我累了，不知道从何时开始，那种感觉已经渐渐消失了，慢慢的，我发现我对这段感情已经失去了期望/要求，更不知道在一起为了什么。我曾经有想过要结婚，放弃一切跟他迈向另一个阶段。可是我又在怀疑....我只能说，这段感情曾经有太多错误，我想过要放弃好多好多次，但是我一直不敢这样做，因为我害怕一个人...一个人面对这一切，不知道分手后生活会变怎样。于是一拖再拖，浪费的只是彼此的时间。现在的我想清楚了，我不想再浪费大家的时间，不希望以后才来后悔，所以我选择放手。

A break-up is an opportunity to learn, too. IT'S NOT EASY. No matter what, relationships is still valuable. Each relationship happens to teach us something about ourselves, another person, and what we want and need in a future partner. It's a chance for us to learn to care about another person and to experience being cared about. Thanks for all the experiences and lessons. 

Anyways, 祝你幸福. All the best for your future.

Hmmmmm, i guess that's all for today, can't squeeze words out anymore. 

I had many many many thoughts in my brain, but i just can't seem to express it out. LOL!

That's it that's it! Good night !